Financial Independence Daily FI discussion thread - September 05, 2020 |
| Daily FI discussion thread - September 05, 2020 Posted: 05 Sep 2020 01:07 AM PDT Please use this thread to have discussions which you don't feel warrant a new post to the sub. While the Rules for posting questions on the basics of personal finance/investing topics are relaxed a little bit here, the rules against memes/spam/self-promotion/excessive rudeness/politics still apply! Have a look at the FAQ for this subreddit before posting to see if your question is frequently asked. Since this post does tend to get busy, consider sorting the comments by "new" (instead of "best" or "top") to see the newest posts. [link] [comments]  |
| Dealing with guilt associated with receiving an inheritance Posted: 05 Sep 2020 09:23 AM PDT Intro This sub often talks about the financial aspects of receiving a windfall, but I want to focus on the emotional aspects of inheriting a large some of money for those who are struggling with the emotions that come with receiving a large sum. Managing your emotions can be as equally important as managing your money and the two often go hand in hand. I would like to share a bit about two different paths that my brother and I took and share some of the emotional struggles I have had with receiving a large sum of money from a young age and how I manage those emotions. I hope that this post can help other people who might have similar feelings to what I have experienced. Brief Background When I was in my first year of college, about 10 years ago, my final grandparent passed away. My brother and I received a lot of money, about 750k each. By the time I received full ownership of the money at 25 years old, it had grown to 1.2 million due to most of the money already being invested. What each of us did after receiving the inheritance My brother has always been a hard worker and it's something I admire him for. He was working in a dead end job he more or less enjoyed, but that didn't pay well. He decided to pursue something else a few years after receiving the money and went for his masters degree. He now works at a stable job that pays pretty well and that he loves. He lives in a HCOL area and put down a large down payment on a wonderful house. When I was renting a room from him, he would leave early in the morning and get home later. He probably put in 50+ hours every week and up to 60+ at times for the first couple of years. As I said, my brother is a hard worker. There were many days or weeks that were very stressful and he was exhausted when he got home. But now that he is more settled in the job, he takes off more from work to do the things he wants to do and indulges in some of his more expensive hobbies. He has no intention of quitting his job and continues to gain a steady income. On this sub, this is the recommended path. Work like you would have done if you hadn't received a windfall and enjoy the benefits of it growing. For those of you like me who struggle with the recommended path I'll share what I have done. I completed college and hopped around trying different jobs. First, I worked a job in my field of study. Then I worked in retail for a bit before I tried a different type of job in my field of study. I ended up having a mental breakdown in that job. My next career decision took me to a low cost of living country where I now work teaching English. For whatever reason, I have really struggled with working full time and adapting to adult life. It could be argued that my inheritance has contributed to that as in full time jobs it's really hard to stay motivated when rent and satisfying basic needs is not a concern if I leave my job. It's easy to transition the thought of "this isn't worth it" into action. It's not that I'm a bad worker. I always arrived on time to my shifts and rarely slacked off. But after awhile in a job I start to realize the job isn't really fulfilling and working for my mental health, and so I look for the next thing that I think will give me a sense of fulfillment. Therefore, I don't know if I would have adapted to full time work even if I hadn't received my inheritance. Guilt There are some problems that come with receiving a lot of money. I'm not saying these problems are worse than other peoples. Just that there are problems and one of the main ones is the feelings of guilt that can come from receiving a large sum. Over the years, I have felt a lot of guilt, whether from personal or societal pressures. I'm sure some of these aren't only exclusive to people who have received money, but I still want to share them as I think they are pretty common among people who have received a windfall and are experienced to varying degrees at different times. Here is a list of some of those things: 1)feeling like I don't deserve and didn't earn the windfall. 2)feeling like I'm wasting my potential if I don't do something special with the opportunity the money has given me. 3)feeling like my achievements are lesser than others. 4)feeling like I have to solve other people's financial problems. 5)feeling bad for spending any of the money. 6)feeling like I'm not allowed to have problems. Include separate for not having to struggle like other people? What has helped me with the guilt. It's important to work on these feelings of guilt because if you don't, you risk the chance of making unintelligent decisions. Here are some things that have helped me in the past. 1) It's really interesting how we view what people deserve or don't deserve. People tend to think good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people, but the reality is a lot of life is random. So we might look at people working hard to get the same amount of money that was given to us and we feel guilty for not having to make the sacrifices they do. After all, we aren't better than them so why do we deserve to not work like they do? But remember that the person who chose to give it to you deserved to give their money to whoever they wanted to. So I think it's important to be constantly thankful for the people or person that gave it to you. I feel less guilty when I see that money as something that was given to me so I could pursue whatever I want in life that makes me feel fulfilled and happy. Also, one of the things my therapist challenged me on is how to think about the idea of earning money. Have I earned my initial net worth by showing up at a job and exchanging my labor for money? No. But all the additional earnings that my investments make, is earned money in a sense. Not in the traditional sense, but in the sense that every dollar of gains is from money I chose not to spend, even when I could. 2) The idea of potential is often associated with career, but that is only one aspect of your potential. But because people mainly focus on career potential, people will judge you if you don't use your money to further yourself in your career or to start a business. There is really only one potential in your life that I believe matters, and that's feeling fulfilled and satisfied with life. So do whatever brings you long term fulfillment and figure out what is truly important for you and distinguish that from what other people think you should be doing. For me, it's working for some of my own money while also having a lot of free time to pursue my hobbies and activities. This obviously changes over time so just be aware that what brings you satisfaction now will probably be different even a couple years from now. 3) Guilt about potential plays a bit into guilt about achievements. It's easy to look at other people's achievements and compare them to your own. When I compare myself to what other people are doing with their lives, it's easy to think I'm not doing enough and this is amplified with the false belief that because I have the financial resources to do anything I want, it means that I could do anything in life. When really it means that I can pursue anything that I am willing to make sacrifices for. It's easy to look at another person's income on this sub and think 'wow, if only I put in the effort like that person, I could make 150k+ too.' But in reality, you don't know the true amount of effort that that person has put to get there, effort that you might not even be capable of. You don't know how many things that person had to sacrifice, the amount of stress they endured, or their goals that motivated them to achieve that level of income. But you know what you have sacrificed for your own personal achievements and they are things you can be proud of. While it's important to recognize other people's achievements, it's also important to recognize your own achievements and to take the time to be proud of them. 4) My first reaction, and maybe yours too, to hearing someone having financial difficulties is to want to help them. And if I were to feel guilty about the money I have, I would probably feel obligated to help them out financially. But constantly doing that would set me on the path to giving all of my money away and prevent me from reaching my own goals. I have found that most of the time, people end up solving their financial problems on their own and are really just looking to vent. Even just offering a listening ear is often a good enough way to help out your friends and family. Now I'm not saying don't ever give money to help people. I think charity and helping out friends and family is noble and it is something I would like to do more of at some point in my life when I feel more income stable. What I am saying is don't ever feel obligated to give money to other people if you don't want to or aren't comfortable with it. Personally, I have my own financial and life goals and I'm not comfortable giving away large sums. But, if charity is very important to you, select an amount you are comfortable donating or donate some time to help out. 5) This can especially play off the feeling of not deserving the money you received. So if you buy anything with 'unearned' money then you didn't really earn that object and you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy something that you didn't earn. But that type of thinking ruins the joy for anything that you spend money on, which is a lot of things in this life. While I'm not advocating for spending without any care in the world, I am advocating for guilt free spending. To help prevent overspending, it's important to still have a budget no matter your level of wealth. Find an amount you are comfortable with spending per month/year and stick to that budget. For me, I take out enough money to cover my basic needs and a little extra fun money, but I still leave enough to let my windfall continue to grow. It can be easy to go over the budget when looking at your bank balance, but this is where a lot self-discipline comes into play. This has serves two purposes: It prevents you from buying things frivolously and over time eroding your windfall. And it also creates an artificial constraint where you begin to want to earn money. As I said earlier, having such a large windfall has made money less of a motivation for me, but when I feel a constraint on spending, even an artificial one, it makes me want to earn money with my own skills. The only exception I make is for important medical related things. Developing some sort of professional skills is good and I really recommend any sort of skill that can be freelanced if you struggle with full time work. It has been important for me to acknowledge that I wouldn't have been able to pursue this kind of career path had I not received my inheritance. Feeling like I am still having to use my own skills to earn additional money has given me quite a lot of personal satisfaction. 6) For the final point of not feeling like I can have my own problems. People are judgmental. It's a fact of life. And people tend to look at those who have been very fortunate as not being allowed to complain about things or have their own problems. But that's not true. Are my problems as stressful as someone who has to worry about not making rent and barely being able to feed their family? Hell no! But someone having a more stressful situation than me doesn't make my problems any less problematic for me. So it's okay for you to struggle with the guilt and other emotions that can come with having received a large windfall. Conclusion I hope some of the things I have written can help you a bit to navigate the emotions with receiving an inheritance or windfall. I would be interested to know in what other ways you have felt guilty or other ways in which you were able to manage some of your guilt. [link] [comments]  |
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